Nadia Purifory, a HOPE member, was featured in a newspaper article that first appeared in the Medford Transcript in December of 2008. The same story was published in the Spring 2009 New Hope newsletter.
Imagine losing a child and being unable to visit their grave. It’s a situation many parents of stillborn infants deal with-and a situation one local mother hopes to change.
In 2004, Nadia and Kevin Purifory’s son, John Kevin, was stillborn. The couple received the option of interring the infant in a general plot at Oak Grove Cemetery or spending $50 to allow the funeral home to bury the body in a mass grave dedicated to stillborn babies. The Purifory’s bought a plot, picked out a headstone and began the long process of grieving for their child. Nadia Purifory visited the cemetery, often passing a grassy patch of grass towards the back near the veterans area.
There was nothing there,” she said. “Then on one visit, I noticed an old marker that said 1953. It was homemade.” Realizing what the area was, Purifory was surprised to see trash, brush and dog feces covering the patch. “A lot of people probably don’t even know what that area is,” she said. “My sister and I started going up every week to clean it up. As soon as we did that, it seemed like people started leaving little mementoes here and there.”
The area remained untouched — until this past September. “I hadn’t gone up as frequently,” she admitted. “One afternoon, I drove by and saw all through the grass were tire tracks of work vehicles. The cement markers from the city were raised up and all the items people left, the flowers…there was nothing left.”
Purifory immediately felt the loss of her son all over again. “I started to cry,” she said. “I felt that same empty, sick feeling. I felt like this area was being treated like there was no life there. It was all ripped away and I felt bad for these parents who were coming there.”
A nurse at Lawrence Memorial Hospital, Purifory has cared for older women who have told her about their stillborn babies. And when she explained she took care of the area at the cemetery, she said the women have thanked her. Because of her close contact with these parents, Purifory decided she couldn’t let the matter just drop and called Oak Grove to find out what happened.
“I spoke to a secretary, who didn’t seemed too shocked by it,” Purifory said. “She called it part of their cleanup. When I said everything was gone, she told me that was the rule. People aren’t allowed to leave things in front of the stones or behind them.” Having run up against the rule with her own son’s plot — and consequently having her own items thrown away in the garbage by cemetery workers — Purifory was familiar with Oak Grove’s regulations. And while she agreed the city has to maintain the cemetery, she wanted to do something to honor those small lives that never had a chance to thrive.
“A marker,” she said. “A plaque. I’d like to see something to indicate that there is life there. Why should these babies be treated any different? I can’t see why the cemetery can’t make a change. I know I would be willing to give money towards a plaque or a bench or even a tree. Something.” Trish McDonough agrees. As a member of the Board of Cemetery Trustees, McDonough was surprised to hear about Purifory’s experience. “People do tend to go overboard, but it’s understandable because they’re grieving,” she said of the items often left behind. “The problem is that the people with the grave next door can sometimes be offended. We want to honor people’s grieving and at the same time be respectful. For the most part, people adhere to the rules.” McDonough said when someone buys a grave at Oak Grove, they are given a copy of the rules and regulations. But, she added, it’s understandable that many people don’t read it right away. She said cemetery workers don’t throw items away and that if a violation occurs, the cemetery will send out a letter to an owner, giving them 10 days to collect their belongings. If they fail to do so, items are collected and placed in the garage. As for the condition of the stillborn area, McDonough said she was aware of people walking their dogs at Oak Grove, despite signs saying otherwise. She promised to look into the situation.
Days after speaking to McDonough, the Transcript received a follow-up call about the possibility of marking the stillborn area. After speaking with cemetery superintendent Steve Brogan, McDonough said there’s currently a sign on the area calling it Green Lawn. “It doesn’t say it’s the stillborn site,” McDonough said. “The concern is also that people might think the geese [feces] is from dogs. There’s nothing you can do about the geese.” As for Purifory’s suggestion of better marking the area to let people know what is buried under Green Lawn, McDonough is all for it. She said she’d like to invite Purifory to the board’s next meeting to discuss the issue. “My only question would be what the marker would say on it,” she said. “I want to make sure that we’re going to be very, very sensitive to the matter and make sure all her concerns are addressed.” Upon hearing then news, Purifory was thrilled by the reaction. “I’m very appreciative,” she said. “I can see she’s sensitive to the issue of loss and all these infants. I’m willing to look in the direction of having a plaque in place so people know this is an area where there’s human life. Someone has got to speak for these infants who can’t speak for themselves. “The other sections of the cemetery…there’s so much respect for them,” Purifory continued. “People don’t walk on them. But this, I know people would be respectful if they just knew.”
While every cemetery has it’s own rules and regulations, some are now looking at ways of helping parents through the loss of their newborn. In Malden, Jim Cahill tries to maintain a balance of following the rules while still allowing parents to grieve. The superintendent of cemeteries, Cahill said the stillborn area is located in an area at the back of the Forestdale with flat markers. “I allow people to leave an item for a small amount of time,” he said. “These are people who are dealing with a terrible tragedy. I’m soft-hearted to begin with so I don’t take the things right after they bury their stillborn baby.” Cahill said after a time, loved ones stop coming and items are removed. “The problem takes care of itself,” he said. “Like I said, I’m lenient for a short time period and then I abide by the rules.” Cahill said in the spring, there was a mass cleanup done by the cemetery workers, where 350 bags of items were picked up. Cahill said items were individually bagged, letters were sent out to families informing them and most people came to pick up their belongings without a problem. “I think you have to have some common sense,” Cahill said. “You have to work with people, not against them.” The cleanup was so successful, Cahill is looking towards doing it again. This time, he said he’s not only going to put an announcement in Malden’s local newspapers, he’ll also send out e-mail. Having collected addresses when paperwork is filled out, Cahill said his department is looking at a way to build a database so he can send out a mass e-mail, letting people know they need to pick up their belongings before the clean up. “You still have people who are belligerent about it,” he said. “But we had about 90 percent of people who were good with it.”
In Winchester, no objects are allowed on the stillborn area. The entire cemetery is cleaned in January and again in July. Items are taken to the dump to be disposed of. Pat Haverty, the secretary at Wildwood Cemetery, said the stillborn area has no markers and is mostly used by Winchester Hospital. “Usually, it’s young parents who use the area,” she said. “A lot of them don’t have the money to buy a plot.” Haverty added there has been a lot of talk of placing a plaque in the area to identify what’s there, but the town has not moved forward with any plans as of yet.
Reprinted by permission of GateHouse Media New England/The Medford Transcript, December 31, 2008.
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